bug-a-boo

2011-08-18T09:30:00.001-07:00

In elementary schools, I participated in Odyssey of the Mind. If pressed to explain it with words, it most closely resembles an acid flashback, or a very happy form of PTSD. Think: me in a carrot costume, blood cells inside the human body made from plates and paper mache, a giant Hershey’s bar spouting smoke, fracture fairy tales, me as a giant sock – add in singing and a childish lack of inhibitions, and a robot that WE BUILT in fifth grade.

Could a picture better describe it?

Yeah, there we go.

I found myself humming, “Achy Breaky Heart,” a song we used in one of our skits. All I remember is dressing up like a penguin and singing “Achy Breaky Heart” with some minor zoologically appropriate changes – Don’t break my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just don’t think I’d understand. But if you break my heart, my achy breaky heart, I can’t get my fish out of the sea. I don’t know the lyrics to the actual song, just that version.. I don’t want to know, either – because no country music star can top three second graders dressed as penguins performing the song in front of a bunch of confused adults in some Midwestern high school classroom.

2011-08-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Netflix "Instant Watch," this is the background on the computer:

Also we probably both have a crush on Patric Stewart.

Humorous blogs I read - and you should too?

2011-07-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

Blog:The Bloggess
Type: Personal humor blog
Fave: http://thebloggess.com/2010/12/james-garfield-is-a-goddamn-saint-almost/
Also: A lot of adult language/themes, hilarious

Blog: XKCD
Type: Math/physics/nerdy humor comic
Fave: http://xkcd.com/556/
Also: A little adult language;themes; hold your cursor over the comic for author commentary

Blog: Message with a Bottle
Type: A stay-at-home dad writes messages on Post-It notes to keep sane
Fave:http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkkq0tg8tB1qbl0gio1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1311901355&Signature=ER055LLGRRZkBpni1Zceb1I9x8Q%3D
Also: Some adult language and themes

Blog: To Be to Mars
Type: Personal humor blog
Fave: Like, all of them
Also: Great

Blog: Verbal Vomit
Type: Personal/pop culture humor
Fave: http://www.verbal-vomit.com/2011/03/how-to-be-hipster-chapter-1.html and http://www.verbal-vomit.com/2011/05/how-to-be-hipster-chapter-2.html
Also: Weird pictures, totally worth it

Blog: Hyperbole and a Half
Type: Hilarious
Fave: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/party.html
Also: I laugh so hard I cry

Blog: Hipster Hitler
Type: Just what sounds like
Fave: Most all of them
Also: Just go

2011-05-09T22:40:00.001-07:00

Happy belated Mothers' Day to my mom.

I drew a smiley face on my thumbnail during Relief Society and she said it looked lecherous. We both laughed too hard to sing the closing song.

Thanks.

2011-05-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

Late night is difficult time for me. Things I've thought in the past 5 minutes:

- what do I need to do tomorrow?
- what time do I need to get up tomorrow?
- I should go to bed
- what if I've developed a taste for blood?
- am I a horrible friend?
- I should bake a cake
- should I write a blog about this?
- I should rename all my boards on Pinterest with clever names
- If Jon is already asleep, will he really know if I don't brush my teeth?
- Will Jon read this and realize he is a major contributor to my dental hygiene?

How To: Erase your Library Fines

2011-04-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight after my fitness boot camp, and before a trip to the grocery store, Jon and I stopped by the library to grab a movie. We were browsing the selection when a woman came up to me and said, "you've won the prize for best t-shirt." I looked down and realized I was wearing my "I Heart my Public Library" t-shirt; I own only two shirts with any writing on them (my body is not your billboard=). She told me that the librarians liked it so much they would forgive my library fines, and asked for my library card. I looked over to the circulation desk to see a trio of nodding, smiling librarians. Two minutes later, all $6 of my fines were obliterated.

Completely flattering picture of me, after working out. I am pumped that this shirt just paid for itself.

I should start wearing my "I heart vegetarians" t-shirt around town. Maybe someone will give me some free veggie burgers.

2011-03-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

How can I not be in love when Jon sends me this:

Meat Wheats Snake Promo

Idea 32:

(a heavy beat)

(Snoop Dog enters with box of Meat Wheats)

Snoopt Dog:

Yo Meat Wheats! a tasty treat

One-third grains, two quarta pounds o' beef

Snack on these ya gonna bring the heat!

(cut to shot of Shaquille O'neal dunking a basketball sized chunk of meat)

( blend to shot of Shaquille O'neal and Snoop Dog cruising a low rider that has "Meat Wagon" air brushed on the hood.)

(Close with superimposed logo and trademark- "Meat Wheats: the medium-rare crackers")

When I'm having a bad day, I remind myself that this is why I married Jon. All the advertising ideas for abhorent products a girl could wish for.

2010-12-09T15:43:00.000-08:00

When I see Olive Garden commercials, my first thought is never "that looks delicious." It is always, "If I eat there, I pray I don't look as stupid as those people."

2010-11-09T10:23:00.000-08:00

I'm wondering at what point in my life 5 minutes of extra sleep will NOT equal skipping a shower. I always thought it would be something that just happened - like becoming a "morning person" or not leaving my personal belongings all over my house (and other people's houses). But none of those things have happened yet and at this point all these habits are pretty ingrained. So I hope Jon gets use to a sleepy, grouchy, messy wife. Good thing I'm so good looking.

More Spam

2010-04-10T08:30:00.001-07:00

Y old Reinhardt, smitten with an admiration as unconcealed for the
beautiful stranger. In the interval before the arrival of the later
members of the quartet, he fluttered
around her like
an ungainly old
moth, racking his scant English for complimentary speeches. These
were received by Aunt Victoria with her best calm smile, and by
Professor Saunders with open impatience. His equanimity was not
restored by the fact that there chanced to be rather more general
talk than usual that evening,
leaving him but small opportunity for his tete-a-tete.
It began by the arrival

of Professor Kennedy, a little late, delayed at a reunion of the
Kennedy family. He was always reduced to b

This came from Quirke Dieken (which I'm pronouncing Quirky Deacon), and I honestly need more. The way it just cut off mid sentence is killing me.

2010-03-31T17:44:00.001-07:00

Pulling a muscle in my arm while opening a jar today was, perhaps, a sign that I should add upper body exercises to my routine.

Dating or finding a job, the steps

2010-03-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

1. You see someone (a position) you like

2. You decide on what way to best approach (apply)

3. You convince them you would be perfect together (for the job)

4. They accept and you go on a date (interview)

5. Depending on how many people (applicants) they are seeing (interviewing) at the time, you may go on multiple dates (interviews)

6. They either ask to become exclusive (offer the position) or are just not that into you (are just not that into you)

7. If step 6 does not go well, begin again at 1

8. If step 7 if reached multiple times, become slightly depressed. After a few more times, become more depressed

9. As step 8 is repeated many times, become cynical

Has spam mail become lazy or poetic?

2010-01-16T06:18:00.001-08:00

The welfare of the indians had been strictly committed to his charge by ferdinand and isabella.

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Pierre was so used to that smile, and it had so little meaning for him, that he paid no attention to it. Thats it, come on.

What happened to common courtesy?

2010-01-16T06:14:00.000-08:00

It annoys me when people get on an elevator before letting the people exit. When you pack 20 people into an elevator and one person still has to fight to get out on their floor, it's uncomfortable and squished. It seems so simple.

Summary: Letting someone out of an elevator first is easy and not doing it makes Emily Post cry.

Ways in which I am afraid I will die

2009-12-29T17:07:00.000-08:00

1. Freak car accident - thinking logs flying off the truck in front of me and crushing me. This fear is thanks to a Reader's Digest article and Twister.

2. Falling down stairs - I count stairs so I pay more attention to them. I have not yet found a set of stairs with 13 steps, but when I do it may be that one that does me in.

3. Home invasion - for countless years I've had nightmares about people breaking into where I live. Since I often cannot distinguish reality from dreams, after waking up I spent the next 20+ minutes trying to determine what is real.

4. Spider bites - perhaps my most reasonable fear, based on the movie Arachnophobia.

5. Falling in the shower - as my bones become more fragile and brittle this may move higher up on the list.

6. Unknown genetic disorder - too many medical classes.

7. Falling off a cliff - I have poor depth perception and vertigo.

8. Attacked by dogs - as a rule I'm not scared of dogs, but I was bit by one earlier this year and can't help but think it's one of the ways I would least like to go.

9. Assassinated by bugs - I once read a Goosebumps story about a boy who tortures the ants in his ant farm and when he throws them out they come back and cover him while he's sleeping and then when he screams they flood into his mouth and drown out his dying screams; I've said some horrible things to the roaches we've found in our house.

10. Jon killing me - this is something I joke about with Jon. Although I don't really believe he would hurt me, he is just so crazy sometimes that I don't know what could happen. I had a dream as a freshman in college that a magician had turned all my friends into clones that were trying to kill me, and the Jon clones were the most terrifying. This magician is the same one who haunted my dreams as a child and turned my stuffed animal against me.

2009-11-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

"Curtis's family is very Southern."

This what Mylene (ME-lin) said to us as she invited us over to their house for Thanksgiving. Curtis is her husband and his family will be there. Everyone in our ward has been very welcoming, and not in the creepy "new meat" sort of way that often happens in wards.

Despite that, food is still a tricky issue because Meat is King. Green beans are made better with fatback, people snack on pork rinds, and when you hear someone's family is "very Southern*" that means good ol' home cooking [and hopefully not racism, like the man in the hospital who told me he was pleasantly surprised at how nice everyone in the hospital was - even the black people].

Myelene is very friendly and we accepted without reservations but some anxious anticipation at what kind of game plan we will employ to avoid embarassment and ridicule. Jon has planned on not eating meating to show his solidarity, although he did ask to have gravy. We'll see what interesting stories our Southern Thanksgiving yields for posterity.

* I should also say that from my experience "very Southern" also means exteremly hospitable and very considerate drivers, along with many other good traits.

2009-11-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

I don't like the phrase, "That's all anyone could ask for."

"Well the bills are paid and that's all anyone can ask for." I thought to myself. And then I realized that was a horribly untrue thought. People can "ask" for anything they want.

Like my brother. When he was 11 he asked Santa for a laptop, a fax machine (?), and a cell phone. He might not have needed them but he certainly asked for them. This was, however, the point where my mother stepped in and explained that since she had none of these items he would likely not be getting them for Christmas. And when that didn't work it was time for the Santa Talk (which I believe was not well received and needed repeating the next year).

2009-10-26T16:00:00.001-07:00

Medical professional notwithstanding, there are only so many times I can see the word: buttocks

Buttocks

BUTTOCKS

buttocks

Buttocks

buttocks

buttocks

before I laugh.

2009-10-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

I miss gathering with friends around food. Large groups of friends around restaurants, but especially female friends. Girls understand that some days you want to eat a pan of brownies with a friend. Jon, on the other hand, could eat a pan of brownies (or package of cookies, or package of veggie burgers) by himself. He's eaten entire packages of cookies while I'm asleep and he muddles through his nights off. And he rarely wants to share treats with me when we're together.

I guess I'm a social eater and Jon only likes to eat by himself.

2009-10-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person who wishes someone would say/do something really offensive that would completely justify punching that person (preferably in the face)?

2009-10-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that there is almost nothing better than sleeping in and then eating a large bowl of the most sugary cereal in the world.

2009-09-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

I was told that some of the patients at the hospital might want to show me incisions, scars, and wounds. I was prepared for that.

I was not prepared for the daughter of a patient who pulled down her pants to show us that she had a hysterectomy.

2009-09-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

Jon: They're the most harmless kids you'll ever met.

Me: Except for me!

Jon: You're not harmless. You hid in a pile of dirty laundry for ten minutes waiting to pants me this morning.

2009-09-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Governmental Leaders and Senators/Representatives of South Carolina,

Please stop making us look stupid. This includes:

- affairs
- using state funds and resources for your affairs
- yelling out "you lie" during presidential addresses
- bringing livestock into legislative houses
- being Mark Sanford

Sincerely,

Allyson Elizabeth Hamacher Hubner (who is not technically a resident of the state but embarrassed nonetheless)

2009-08-24T10:47:00.001-07:00

I found myself in a rather boring meeting early this morning and thought to myself: breathing is really hard. I was so bored I almost thought about ceasing respiration and dying just to liven things up. Too bad I wouldn't be around to enjoy it.

2009-08-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

There are fruit flies are copulating like fruit flies. In my kitchen. I am going to vomit all over them.

2009-08-10T16:51:00.001-07:00

Weird things I have said/believe upon waking up (all have persisted at least 15 minutes after waking up):

- my friends and roommates were all clones. My roommate woke up to me huddled in a corner staring at her and asked what was wrong with me. I told her I wasn't sure if she was a clone or not.
- I was the hospital where I was working. Jon woke me up and I started laughing uncontrollably that I was the hospital and my arm had diabetes. When I was not becoming more lucid Jon pushed me on the floor to stop me. I then cried because "the hospital was upside down."
- There were people in the house trying to kidnap us and take us to a cult.
- A man was trying to break into our house (these dreams usually leave me paralyzed in bed too scared to move for fear it wasn't really a dream)
- I was a river. Or that I left part of my head on the pillow where I was sleeping. These were my explanations for being so confused when I woke up.

Most of these have been since Jon and I have been married. I'm glad he has the patience to sit up with me for an hour or more at night and help me wake up enough to realize it actually was a dream. Or to set up tents downstairs so we can spend the night there to alleviate my fears.

I should also point out that I am glad for fruit.

2009-08-10T16:39:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with kids?

Don't get me wrong, I like them (as a general rule) but all the kids in my primary class seem to be taking psychotropic drugs. These kids are far out.

Examples:

We talk for half an hour about responsibility. Mostly how you can be responsible. Simple things like making your bed. And taking care of your cats or dogs. Maybe being nice to your family.

When I asked them to draw a picture of something they are responsible for:
one girl drew a picture of her grandma as a clown (to be fair, she kept repeating that she wasn't sure how to draw her eyes because her grandma wears glasses - the "clown" things might have been a compromise).

This same little girl has also told me that her cat went to:

1. cat heaven
2. cat school (don't worry, dog heaven and dog school exist for dogs as well)
3. "god mountain where I don't want her to get hurt because there are soldiers and I don't want her to fight them"

Another time a little girl said she was sleepy, and then would let her head droop and droop until she stood up and started dancing in the middle of class. I asked her to sit down and she said, "I am dreaming that I'm dancing."

Jon came into class one time to tell the kids its important to listen to your parents because once when he didn't listen to his parents, he sliced his finger. After he left one little girl giggled (think Children of the Corn) and said "your husband needs to stop cutting his fingers."

It's also intriguing to see the interesting words they use. One girl uses "because" ubiquitously instead of other words. Such as, "because my sister turned 8 because she got baptized because it was before Sunday because...."

Coloring and games are quickly becoming the building blocks of our classes. They need something to stop their little synapses from exploding all over the room.

2009-07-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

Netflix suggestions based on your interest:

TV Shows Featuring a Strong Female Lead

Critically Accalimed Movies

Visually Striking Dark Movies

Witty Comedies

Underdog Comedies

2009-07-22T17:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Mint.com,

You are sometimes a very handy budgeting tool. You are also good for a laugh. Thank you for notifying me everytime my bank account is below $500 by alerting me to a "low balance" and reminding me to "proceed with caution." I have bad news, though; this balance is only going to get lower.

Allyson

2009-07-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

It is sometimes hard to be married to what the current temperature in my house leads me to believe is the abominable snowman.

2009-07-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

I like to type things so fast that the Google toolbar can't make any "suggestions."

2009-07-05T20:50:00.001-07:00

I hate making new friends. Not because I don't like new people but because I like people. A lot.

And I want them to like me. A lot.

Which makes me nervous. I want them to like me. So I over analyze myself into a paralysis and generally ask myself questions like, "was that funny?" or "do they like me?" or usually "why did I say that?"

I won't list all the stupid things I've said so far because I embarrassed myself once and that was enough. In the future I will stick to politically neutral jokes, no references to Kurt Vonnegut since no one seems to know who he is, and less family stories. Because not everyone understands my sense of humor in reference to divorce and broken homes.

2009-06-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

On long car trips your car becomes an extensions of yourself as you compare it with the other cars that were, in our case, passing us.

Our car was the equivalent of the chubby, cross-eyed kid with asthma. And we were friends with him. As the rich kids, fast kids, and jocks passed us with their friends, we couldn't help but feel a little ashamed. Embarrassed of our little friend who was taking us across the country...ever so slowly.

So we derived pleasure the same way all outcasts and losers do - by taunting others. Jon is adept at using cars in neighboring lanes to trap a car that moves too fast for his liking.

In New Mexico he sprained an ankle. Waiting on the side of the road we were rocked back and forth by semis trucking through. The football linebackers of the road. Behemoths.

2009-05-20T17:02:00.001-07:00

I've read other blogs and thought this could be a place for me to post pictures of me and Jon doing boring things.

But that would not be as exciting as this following conversation regarding a bike we were selling:

HI NICE BIKE BUT YOU HAVE THE FRONT FENDER ON BACKWARDS.
THANKS.
RICHARD

I replied: sorry for offending your sensibilities.

He said: IF YOUR SELLING A $75.00 BIKE FOR $275.00 I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD AT LEAST ASSEMBLE IT CORRECTLY ?

I shot back: If you're (not your) offering advice you should take off CAPS LOCK. And be sure of your punctuation? Or was that really a question?

Then I felt a little guilty, so I said: You are right that the fender is on backwards, we'll fix that. Thanks for that. But if it had at all sounded like your advice was meant to help rather than to be a jerk, maybe you wouldn't sound so arrogant and condescending. Then again maybe that's what you were going for.

But seriously that guy was a douche.

2009-05-19T22:41:00.001-07:00

My life has been so much better since Jon started fielding calls from people looking to buy our stuff and put "don't call if you're stupid" clauses in it.

2009-05-14T21:17:00.001-07:00

Working in healthcare is strange because "weekends" are usually not Saturday and Sunday. This throws your week out of sync with those around you.

But the other day we saw a crowd watching some sort of sporting event and I had no idea what month it was. I was freaking out because I didn't know if it was February or June and if either of those was "Football Season"

2009-05-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

So far selling the contract at our apartment has been less fun than I anticipated.

Before I explain, I should say that I believe stupid people will always be stupid. Jon argued that they can go to school, but I don't mean uneducated people, I am talking about stupid people. There are people who can go through all sorts of school and still be stupid. Like the girl in one of my senior dietetics classes who asked, "Wait, the Jews agreed to the experiments the Nazis were going to perform on them?" This missed the point of our lesson. And the Holocaust.

So one girl yesterday asked if it was okay they could not move until August. I said unless you are willing to pay the two months rent, not really. Then she asked me a BUNCH of questions and wanted to come see it. So then she came over with her fiance (his name is Lane which I think sums up them). They looked around....and then the stupid questions began.

- Does the refrigerator stay (it matches the stove and have you ever known anyone in provo to bring a fridge with them?
- What stays with the house (which isn't stupid but was a question)
- Is this chandelier yours? (this one floored me. The large chandelier that is clearly part of the house, looks antiqued, and is a chandelier.)

I wanted to tell her that yes it was ours, along with the wood flooring that rolled up and the walls as well, so they would need to bring their own.

Wailing and Gnashing

2009-04-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

Last night at midnight was the magical union of thousands of Cinderellas with their princes. But there is a problem with Cinderella, and that is she always has those ugly stepsisters hanging around with her. In fact, with those hags she isn't actually Cinderella. In the (non-Disney) story her sisters give her that name, Cinderella, and it seems that through instead of despite their efforts she becomes the person the Prince (arbitrarily) chooses to marry.

So without her sisters Cinderella does not exists; they created her and define her.

And thus, when the Princes selected their Cinderellas last night they left in their blissful wake a slew of warts and thick eyebrows, and the wailing and gnashing of teeth by the Unchosen Stepsisters.

Beginning Wednesday morning, some will cut of their toes to fit into shoes and win a prince. And I thought the US of A wasn't supporting torture anymore.

2009-04-20T04:09:00.000-07:00

Dear BYU,

Hey, what's up? My name is Allyson Hamacher. Soon it will be Allyson Hubner. I've just been too lazy to get my name officially changed, and honestly my Arizona license doesn't expire until 2051 and I don't want a Utah license. I'm getting off topic, it's just been a while since we've talked and I have so much to say to you.

Like this: I purchased an item from you store nearly 1 year ago. It was expensive, although a deal compared to some other stores. Unfortunately, I have discovered that this item is no good. It does not work, at least not without a part I would need to purchase from another store. Some of them are expensive and I have had little luck finding a moderately price one, or even one that I really like. For all these reasons, I would like to exchange this item for another one. Perhaps one that does not need other parts.

If this letter was unclear, I mean that I'm tired of this Dietetics "degree" that is (right now) a piece of paper that certifies me as having graduated college. I understand that having this "degree" will help me cook (oh yeah, I got married too if that makes you at all sympathetic - I hear you like people doing that) and eat nutritiously. But right now I would prefer a "degree" that would make me feel:

1. less dead in the water
2. like I didn't waste my money
3. smart(er)

I appreciate your time, and look forward to hearing from you

Allyson Elizabeth Hamacher (Hubner)

2009-04-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

Jon and I differ over whether Maury's "Man or Woman?" shows are the worst. Or the BEST.

2009-03-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

I should apologize about all the mean things (and there were many) that I said about our MIA girl scout. It turns out she is in our ward. And rides a tiny bike. And has a lisp.

And I said some horrible things about her.

Plus her brother said some pretty funny things in church on Sunday. He's a little chubby, 12, and has a shaved head. He looks like a mini-Bruce Willis. At the end of this testimony he said, "Well....amen?!" and shrugged and walked away. As if to say, "What else do you want from me??"

2009-03-23T17:49:00.001-07:00

Remember getting dumped? Or stood up?

I wonder why she never stops by, or comes by like she promised. I had so many hopes and dreams about how it would be.

Those Girl Scouts are all liars.

2009-03-05T12:45:00.000-08:00

The other day Jon and I got into a fight over something stupid. But the argument ended when Jon yelled, in all seriousness

"I want to watch High School Musical, you can't take that away from me!!!!!!!!!!"

And then I was laughing too hard to argue with him anymore.

2009-03-03T05:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work I came back from my break to find an official looking document that read:

Food Allergies/Intolerances hedgehogs, imitation crab. Reactions : hives at itching to both.

No colon between "intolerances" and "hedgehogs" made me think that maybe hedgehogs was a dietary term, somebody "dodging" or "hedging" an allergy. Like the patient from the psych unit who is "allergic to everything related to a cow." It was too bizarre to take a face value.
But it's not.

And at 7 in the morning, unable to sleep, I'm still wondering: in what capacity did this person think that hedgehogs were involved with the food? As an ingredient? A chef? Or perhaps we use a pack of them to pull the carts and deliver trays to the patients' rooms? And also, when did this person discover that a hedgehog gave them hives if they ate it?

2009-02-26T11:47:00.001-08:00

Jon says thing to be encouraging that often come off as something less noble.

Yesterday we worked on painting my bike, which required hanging it on a rope for easy access to paint and dry. I spent the day painting but moved the bike upside down so I could get at some different angles.

When Jon saw the bike he said, "Did you move the bike?"
- Yes
- Wow. Good job. Good for you.

He also once said to me "It's not your fault that no one taught you how to run fast. Or throw things."

2009-02-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

It's too bad I'm already married to Jon because I think this guy and I could have had something special.

http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=1096

2009-01-31T23:49:00.000-08:00

Why do radio stations pay money to put up pictures of their DJ's? If they were good looking wouldn't they be on TV? It really makes me sick.

2009-01-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

Symptoms: dizziness, lightheadedness, tinging.

The condition second from bottom? Chemical burns? Well you're right! I forgot about spilling hydrochloric acid all over myself, but totally explains why I'm dizzy. Not to mention the massive burns on my body, well now I know! Thanks, WebMD!

2009-01-07T18:52:00.001-08:00

I've begun measuring my early mornings in ounces. Ounces of caffeine. A late night a little sleep might be 32 oz. An especially hard day, and I might consume those in a Diet Dr. Pepper. I can't get it for free as my break item, but the styrofoam grail holds the key to my office moral. If I'm feeling a little cheap I'll mix some Barq's with Diet Coke and get it for free. Never quite as satisfying but with only 10 hours left to go until I crash into an unmade bed I make do.

2008-12-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

When I got married I somehow thought that I wouldn't be eating Marshmallow Mateys for breakfast and pizza for both lunch and dinner. But I might have confused marriage with having a personal chef.

2008-12-23T11:27:00.000-08:00

Hairy cell leukemia sounds like the grossest kind of leukemia. I just imagine one of those tumors with hair and teeth.

Yeah, kinda like that

2008-12-19T15:06:00.000-08:00

I can't even count the number of times that Jon and I have almost gotten a divorce. Those first 7 months really wear on you - I think it's the 7 month itch or something like that.

For example, the other night Jon almost divorced me for leaving him standing in line at the grocery store while I went to go grab a couple things. He hates lines. And stores.

I almost nulled our vows because Jon has a habit of ripping the towels off over things. Like the oven, towel racks, and never putting them back.

Since we both wanted a divorce, we comprised on marriage. That's what it's all about.

Is this weird?

2008-12-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

We have a tube system at work to send papers and lab samples around the hospital. Like the ones at bank drive-thrus. Sometimes people leave notes when they send things to me, asking me to send it back. This one read:

Please send the tube back to Jeannete at 21 - I'm tubeless in more ways than one. :)

2008-12-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

Why is using your blinker a handicap in Utah?

2008-12-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

Does anyone think that putting a spoiler on a van makes it "sporty"?

2008-12-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

What's up with the fake bullet hole stickers on cars?

Driving Excerpt #1

2008-11-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

Jon had to get his Utah license and walked away with the Utah Driver's Handbook. I found it when cleaning and thought it explained a lot, so I'll be sharing a piece today with more to come.

Speed limits have been set by state and national agencies to keep drivers safe on the roads. The speed limit ensures that cars do not travel below a certain speed, which can be dangerous for everyone driving.

The speed limit is the lowest speed that travel is safe; on highways it is 65 and most city streets 40 mph. Traveling slower than this may cause traffic, anger, and decrease your gas mileage. With gas costs rising it would be wise to drive 10 or 15 miles faster than posted speed limits to make travel quicker and thus decrease your gas costs.

Because excess emissions damage our environment, every driver should consider it his/her duty to urge others to obey the law. Encouragement could include: honking, gesturing, flashing your brights, or following so closely behind a car that they will be forced to go 80mp or disobey the law (and common sense) in another lane.

2008-11-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

After Obama won, I couldn't help but notice all of the "end of the world" and "end of our country" declarations. Among others one girl said she was "moving to Canada."

Moving to Canada. To get away from a "socialist." Canada.

I hope it was irony.

(I don't think it was)

Politics

2008-10-18T18:19:00.001-07:00

This will be Jon's first contribution to this blog. Here's his story.

While at work I was talking to a friend about the election and she confessed to know little. I told her that I thought we had two of good candidates running for office and that she should do some research to make an informed choice. About ten minutes later I heard her conversing with a nurse, a mid-thirties blonde, about politics. The nurse exclaimed in vehement sincerity several of the following points:

Did you know every year Hillary Clinton is invited to the meetings of the secret international organization, the Elitists?

Did you know that Hillary Clinton helped embezzle drug money and that hundreds of her associates are either missing or have been killed in assassination style attacks?

Did you know that McCain divorced his wife and married a stripper?

Did you know Barack Obama went to a Muslim school from ages two to twelve?

Now rife with terror my friend asked, “Where can I look this up?”

Confidently the nurse replied “NorthernBorder.com”

Well...check it out. NorthernBorder.com

The kinds of people who shop at Joann's

2008-10-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

While perusing fabric on Joann's website, I wondered how it would be used. Some comments read:

I used my fabric to make a medieval reenactment tunic, hood and cape. It has a nice "period" look, without costing an arm and a leg! The fabic has a really nice drape to it. I was very pleased and would love to see this fabric in a bunch of colors!!!!! And LOTS of it, as most medieval costumes take a lot of fabric!

and

I've used this fabric for summer cloaks. It hangs beautifully. It does not look cheap as some broadcloth cloaks do. It is well worth it. It exceeded my expectations.

Really? I don't know if I'm more upset about making a cloak or wearing it in the summer.

2008-10-04T13:03:00.001-07:00

Jon and I moved about a month ago, and since we had a party last night it was finally clean and decorated enough for me to take pictures. Enjoy the domesticity of my past month or so.

Wet Dog

2008-06-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while because we don't have internet yet, a fact which annoys me almost enough for me to do something about it.

I also haven't written due to a misunderstanding. For years I thought people were saying something about "wedded bliss," but I now I realize they were saying "wedded blitz." You know, like in football? Me either, but my dictionary defined it as such:
• an intensive or sudden military attack.
• informal a sudden, energetic, and concerted effort, typically on a specific task : a major press blitz.
• Football a charge of the passer by the defensive linebackers just after the ball is snapped.
• ( the Blitz) the German air raids on Britain in 1940.
• a form of chess in which moves must be made at very short intervals.

Thus I have not "blogged." But something moved me today, something so annoying that I thought I must. Wet dog smell. Its gross, we can all agree. But when its thrust upon you and your laptop because some woman doesn't have her dog on a leash it's just insulting. I heard her walking down the street with him, her "No!'s" and "Don't do that's!" cut through a warm summer breeze and gave me chills.

And then her dog got all up in my grill with his wet self. I don't think he's listening, lady.

Blog change

2008-04-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

As it turns out...I'm getting married. In about a week, give or take a few days.

And I've noticed a lot of people have "married people" blogs. And I thought about a few of them...Jon-n-Allyson.blogspot.com, ilovemyhusbandjon.blogspot.com, kissmejon.blogspot.com...and a few others I've thought of but won't post due to being inappropriate or single.

After mulling it over I have decided not to change. Why? Well, here are my reasons:

1. Jon doesn't have a computer.
2. I don't want to change the general attitude of this blog by changing it or its name. The general tone will still be the same, although I doubt I can keep out some of the idiosyncrasies that marriage and a committed relationship bring.
3. Although married I do plan on keeping my "personal identity." Although I will not longer have my own room, car, phone, kitchen, bathroom, bank account, this I do claim for myself.
4. Jon has no interest in being a blogging team, reading blogs, being mentioned in blogs, or talking about most blogs.

For these reasons the blog will remain the same. I hope to be more interesting, have more adventures, and try to refrain from boring others by drooling (grammatically) over my new casserole dish.

My Tuesday

2008-04-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

As we walked up seventh east, the weather was cold and windy. Two boys stood talking in a crossing street, not worrying about cars because it was little trafficked. I bent my head down to hide the tears welling in my eyes; tears of frustration, fatigue, and a combination of swirled emotions. Jon held my left hand and walked on the outside of the street. To strangers I was visibly upset and in a foul mood; scowling the entire walk had left two red marks above the bridge of my nose.

The boys finished their conversation as Jon and I approached. One headed east, away from us, and the blonde boy with a smile on his face and an unearthly spring in his step walked south towards Jon and me. As he got closer I was in no mood to force a smile, realizing it might look more threatening than inviting.

As we reached the passing point, he bent his knees and body slightly enough to be in view of my purposefully lowered head and gave me a hearty "Hello!!!" with a wave and a beguiling smile. Not a hello that said, "We are strangers passing each other and I am being courteous" or a "Nice day today, isn't it?" This insidious word reeked of oppressive cheerfulness; it said, "Hey there camper!! Don't look like a grouch!! We live in Zion, doncha know?? So cheer up, it ain't that bad!!"

I turned to Jon and whispered, "I almost killed him. I would have punched him in the face."

It's Official

2008-03-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a little disappointed about it being just in America, but I'll shoot for Asia and Europe next week.

Busted!

2008-03-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that if we go to a restaurant and Jon doesn't want me to eat food, he'll mix his foods together because he knows I hate that.

Words cannot express

2008-03-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

Even though she is engaged and shouldn't be looking at singles' websites, I have to thank Brittany Lane for this little gem.

Not sure about internet dating? Does it work for people? Can a beautiful success story?

http://www.ldsmingle.com/success_stories.html

Read the first one and I guarantee you won't be sorry (that you've never used LDSMingle).

Dear Beka

2008-03-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks for getting me addicted to design blogs. Thanks a lot.

2008-03-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

Because a lot of people post about things they like, I thought that I would be like them and post some things I don't like.

1. When food on my plate gets all mixed up. Like this:

I hope we all can agree that no matter what happens once it's in my body, I want it to go in separately.

2. People that talk on their cell phones in the bathroom. I don't do it, and I wouldn't want someone to do it to me.

3. Daylight savings time. I really just don't get it.

4. People that are fake. When I think people are being fake, I lie or exaggerate to confuse them. This either creates a real reaction, or some enjoyment for me. I tell people I met my fiancee on Craigslist , or through Livelinks.

5. Pedestrian who think "the right of way" means "the always right of way." This is not true and you could die.
6. Feet
7. Romantic comedies

8. Meg Ryan

9. Romantic comedies with Meg Ryan

10. Blogs with music.

Typical questions

2008-03-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

When people ask me "How's the wedding going?" I know that they are just making small talk. Very few people want to hear the intimate details of the labels I plan on making for the food at the reception - generally I don't even want to think of it. But when they ask me that questions, here are a few of my responses:

- It's great.
- It's going well.
- Everyone has been so nice.
- It's completely changed my life. Them: Really. Me: No.
- I don't know, I haven't been thinking about it too much lately.
- I'm engaged???
- He's actually planning all of it. Them: Really. Me: No.
- Well, I've never planned a wedding before so as far as I'm concerned I've finished everything.

Some of these responses may not make me look like the blushing bride-to-be that I certainly try to portray. But then again, circumstances can only change your genetics and parent's influence so much. In response to that questions my mom has said:

- I have more pressing things to think about.

She also told me that she might strangle the next person who asks her, well-wishing as they may be.

We're open to any other suggestions about responses to this and other everyday and mundane questions.

Potty Mouth

2008-02-26T15:35:00.000-08:00

Dear girl who was talking on her cell phone in the bathroom,

Don't you think that's weird? The couch is there for the overabundance of nursing mothers here at BYU. Maybe you forgot your baby. In that case you should probably not be chatting on the phone and calling the police instead.

But you weren't with a baby, at least not at the time. There were chairs outside and all around...so seriously why were you talking on your phone in the bathroom.

Allyson

Shhh

2008-02-25T15:46:00.000-08:00

To the boy who was staring at anything with legs and the blonde girl who stopped to talk to him,

The library was not made for you to flirt. You two are enjoying each other so much, why don't you get a room - a study room where we don't hear your giggles and guffaws. Or maybe go to the Cougareat and get a pizza, or go to Comedy Sportz or get married already. I don't really care, just stop talking.

Love Allyson

P.S. Blonde girl you have nice hair.

Ped X

2008-02-21T16:06:00.000-08:00

The hand was red (not flashing, one of the solid kind). It's not a busy intersection and sometimes people cross there, thinking it's okay if there are no cars (again, it's not).

A girl crossed the street and as a car slowed down for this pedestrian, but honked to show its disapproval. The young lady then spread her hands apart and said, "What??" as if she had no idea why they honked and continued walking and glaring.

Anyway, I hope she gets hit by a car because sometimes pedestrians are stupid.

Well maybe not hit by a car, maybe just a little bump so she starts practicing safe walking practices.

Hugs and Kisses

2008-02-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

They say that you have to enjoy the little things in life. At BYU, Valentine's week is not a "little thing," most likely due to the fact that it is the pressure cooker week for joining BYU couples in holy matrimony. After a large heart-shaped sugar cookie from Sugar and Spice, who could say "no" (to marriage, not the dirty deed).

Even the Honor Code Office joined in the festivites, reminding us with events like karaoke, smoothies, and pocket sized honor cards, not to mention the very phallic "honor hot dogs," and "measure up," that we should remain virtuous and out of bedrooms of the opposite gender.

A quote by a late prophet graced their tasteful banner, reading "Kissing has been prostituted and has been degenerated to develop lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration." (Spencer W. Kimball).

A large institution often undermines itself, as evidenced by the "Kissing Booth" held across from the "iHonor booth" on St. Valentine's Day.

Enjoy the little things.

Morning conversation

2008-02-11T14:56:00.000-08:00

- Hey, you should probably get up now.
- I don't need to get up now, I still have over an hour left. That's like a hundred minutes.
- Is it? That doesn't sound right.
- Yeah, shhh....it is.

Half an hour later

- Uh, it seems kinda late now. Shouldn't you get up now?
- Forty five minutes? It takes maybe twenty to get ready.
- I think it takes longer.
- Fifteen to shower, two minutes to get dressed, one minute to get food, and a couple minutes for make up. I might be able to do it in even less.
- I think you're under estimating..
- Shh shhh shhh.

Thirty minutes later

- Fifteen minutes?? How did I sleep so late? How did my alarm not go off? I'll never get ready in time. I hate mornings.

Update...

2008-02-04T20:38:00.000-08:00

Doing great in 2008, what a great date!

8 Things I'm passionate about
1. Nutrition and Food
2. Baking (not necessarily related to #1)
3. Reading
4. Friends and family
5. Service
6. Cruiser bikes
7. Creating
8. Spanish

8 Things I want to do before I die
1. Get up the first time my alarm rings
2. Serve in the Peace Corps or some other international aid group
3. Own a clawfoot tub
4. Become a proficient vegan cook
5. Backpack around Europe with Jon
6. Go on a cross-country road trip
7. Run a marathon
8. Get married and have/adopt kids (in no particular order)

8 Books I have read recently
1. Life and Biochemistry According to Kay Franz, Kay Franz
2. Atonement, Kate Chopin
3. Animals of the Ocean in Particular the Giant Squid, Dorris and Benny Haggis-On-Whey
4. Franny and Zooey, J.D. Salinger
5. Twilight, Stephenie Meyer
6. Harry Potter Seven, J.K. Rowling
7. Lectures on Faith
8. Persuasion, Jane Austen

8 Things I often say
1. That you know of...
2. Fab
3. That's not even funny
4. I don't need to do that, I'm engaged
5. I love you
6. Yet....
7. I'm sorry
8. That's freaking me out

8 Things that attract me to friends
1. Wit
2. Openminded
3. Easy going
4. Genuine
5. Find beauty in strange places
6. Creative
7. Outside the norm
8. Unique

8 Songs or albums I could listen to over and over
1. There's Nothing Wrong with Love, Built to Spill
2. Tonight Tonight, Smashing Pumpkins
3. Figure 8, Elliott Smith
4. Execution of All Things, Rilo Kiley
5. Andrew Bird.
6. Tallahasse, The Mountain Goats
7. Sufjan Stevens
8. Veneer and a Few Extras, Jose Gonzalez

8 Things I learned this last year
1. Being engaged does not prevent or deter you from making fun of engaged people
2. Soymilk makes cereal better
4. Cooking has as much to do with experimentation as it does with formulas
5. You never forget some roadtrips
6. Being happy is more important than getting the best grate in a class
7. The best summers have late nights and bike rides
8. Most of the time it doesn't matter what you're doing so much as who you're doing it with

8 Random things about me
1. I am terrified of people acting like animals (discovered thanks to David Sudweeks)
2. I am also terrified of the deep ocean
3. I do not own a pair of black pants
4. Children yell, "Mary Jane!!" and "Spiderman!!" at anytime I go to a school
5. My mom is my hero
6. I use to pronounce "Jewelry" as "jew-ry" until I was 17
7. I have little to no cognitive ability in the mornings or after I wake up from a nap
8. I like the way dates taste, but I think they look like cockroaches and that makes them difficult to eat

Bootylicious

2008-01-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

A women who specializes in professional wardrobes came to talk to my class today about professional dress. To illustrate unprofessional clothes, she held up a pair of jeans with brown washing down the middle of the front, and a ripped waist band.

"This say, rip these off of me. Take them. Take me. It's true."

Then showed us the back which said "Booty" on the left and "Licious" on the right. We continued to laugh.

"We laugh, but it's not really funny. These lead to unwanted pregnancy, unwed mothers, STDs, and ABORTION."

Where there's smoke....

2008-01-15T10:57:00.000-08:00

There is a Volcom backpack. At approximately 11:54 AM, I smelled cigarette smoke. It was after the devotional and crowds were large, but I managed to find the One. I'm not judging him; maybe his parents smoke and he just smells like it, or maybe he was just smoking a cigarette for a friend.

New conclusion: All people who have Volcom backpacks smoke.

Clothes just make sense

2008-01-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

Really, think about it. Without clothes, when you run into corners or fall into brambles or get hit by rocks, it would hurt a lot more. And also clothes are cute. And also without them you would be NAKED.

White Christmas

2007-12-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

My bike is covered in snow. My hands freeze as I glide down 7th East, and I cry - not out of the joy of riding my red bicycle, but from the stinging cold.

The furnace no longer breathes fire, but the icy North Wind.

Snow sneaks into the space between my sock and skin, a previously impregnable fort invaded by the winter's gift.

I love the way snow looks, smells, falls, sounds. It's a Christmas staple, and from Black Friday to New Year's Day, I welcome that precipitation. It's the three months after that I can barely stand.

Just a thought

2007-11-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever given a cashier a Sacajawea or silver dollar, and they think it's a quarter and tell you that you didn't pay them enough, and then you point out that it's a dollar not a quarter and then they look ashamed?

Sometimes that's a good feeling

Criminal Mastermind

2007-10-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

Do you frequently find yourself thinking - it would be so easy to rob a bank, or steal this car that someone left running in their driveway, or the child playing outside, or any number of other less-than-legal activities.

When I was walking to school the other day, I saw a girl walking with three boxes of Krispie Kreme (are they both with k's?). So she has three boxes in her arms, her backpack, and it's early in the morning so there is no one around (as I type this, I'm starting to realize that I'm targeting the same people a rapist might - things in arms, no one around, carrying delicious fluffy pastries). I saw the donuts and lusted after them - I had no breakfast to satiate my animal appetite.

I thought to myself how easy it would be to steal a tasty pastry - she has boxes in her arms so she couldn't use her arms to defend herself, and if she tried to kick me her backpack would probably tip her over, giving me time to make my escape. I could even flip the lid of the box up in the perfect way so that she wouldn't be able to identify me in the line up.

So the answer is yes, I am a criminal mastermind. One who has never stolen a donut, or a child, or a car. Know that this world is a safer place because I am curbing my criminal tendencies, and that I still want that donut.

Google

2007-10-11T17:13:00.001-07:00

It's possible that Google is the best listener I have. Sometimes I ask Google to find something, and Google always brings back as many responses as possible. If Google can't find something, it always suggests other ways I can find what I'm looking for. If I misspeak/type, Google is always there, asking, "Did you mean....?"

I bet Google would be great to cuddle with.

You weigh in...

2007-09-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

(Not literally, but in a figurative sense)

How do you feel about PDA (Public Displays of Affection)?

I don't mean holding hands (unless you have a lot to say about it), but more like people making out. In public. On benches, in libraries, restaurants, porches, park benches, classrooms, churches, and so on.

You Decided

2007-08-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Wedding Theme has been chosen. But I loved everyone's ideas so much that I couldn't really pick ONE.

Zac Effron will be DJ/musical guest. No Children will be allowed. Those who don't bring a good gift will get tortured, Hostel style.

You Decide

2007-08-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Fact: Most people who attend BYU will at some point in their lives "get married." (Not me now, though)

Fact: I hate "planning" anything.

Fact: I'm going to let people suggest themes for my wedding. At the end of one week, I will pick the best one.

Fact: Themes like "marriage," "love," "white," "pre-nups," etc. are off limits.

Oh me oh my

2007-08-20T09:05:00.001-07:00

For some reason, I find Clark Gable as Rhett Butler completely and totally infatuating. And sexy.

Maybe it's the Southern charm or the unabashed confidence or the money...or the mustache. I'm scared that it's probably the mustache.

Mistakes

2007-08-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

We all make them. On August 7, 2006 I wrote the following:

"...chocolate covered cinnamon bears [are] not good"

I have since rescinded. They are delicious. Oh, the follies of youth!

Exquisite Taste

2007-08-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

I had a horrible experience at The Eleven (7-11) tonight.

There was a rack of caramels of an assorted variety (licorice, mocha, butter pecan) with a sign that proclaimed these candies were for "those with exquisite taste." I didn't want any caramels because I wasn't in the mood.

Then I started worrying about what people would think of me - maybe they didn't know that I wasn't hungry and they would think that I didn't have exquisite taste. And I was especially worried about the cute guy behind me because he might question the exquisite-ness of my taste, and then he wouldn't want to ask me on a date because he wouldn't want to marry someone who doesn't have taste that is as unexquisite as mine. Even Raj seemed to be juding me.

In the end I bought enough caramels to last a large family until I graduate. Come enjoy them if you have exquisite taste like I do!

WTF? OMG that is SNF

2007-08-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

The other day Heather was trying to convince Adam to start a blog. She said we didn't gossip, but I'm going to. It's ok, though, these aren't real people. The kind with souls, or emotions. These are my landlords.

These people, who we'll call John and Mary Carlson, have been lording my land for nearly two years. I've had some interesting experiences with them. Some have made me cry, some have made me laugh bitterly, and some have made me thankful that I was raised by cannabalistic pedophiles instead of them.

There was the time they had a garage sale - in our yard. Did I say "the time," because I mean the two times. The first one we were told to move our cars from the driveway that is at the house I pay $255/month for. The second time I simply woke up to find (not our landlord or landlady) but our landlord's sister. She had the disposition of a kimono dragon, which I understand is not a very friendly or loving one. There was all sorts of garage sale junk and garage salers in my yard at the house I pay $255/month for. I wasn't too happy.

Last night I vacuumed my room with this little beaut:

I sucked up a piece of popcorn and then the basement smelled like burnt popcorn. This household appliance is at least 10-years-old. One of my favorite things John Carlson has ever said to me concerns this Simplicity 5000.

(circa September 2006)
Me: Hi, John. This is Allyson from the house on 7th North. The vacuum isn't working and it's actually spitting more dirt all over the place.
John: Well I don't know why it would do that. It's a brand new vacuum.

Brand new?? Maybe around the same time that Fresh Prince was actually fresh, or maybe you meant that since you bought it from DI a couple years ago it was brand new to you. Either way, this vacuum sucks and my landlords are a living in a fantasy world where everything you buy from DI works like new.

Theme: Blog Entry

2007-08-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

The Relief Society president dropped off a flyer at our house last week. It had ribbon, cutsey font, and polka dots and without much deductive logic one could figure what it was announcing: a girl in the ward was getting married, and there was a bachelorette party. I didn't give it more than the polite glance one gives things when the flyer distributor is standing right in front of you.

I managed to get out my iron clad excuse, "Oh, well my cousin is getting married...so I won't be in town anyway." I told her I'd give my roommates the information, although I knew they wouldn't be going because none of us are..."active" in our ward.

Yesterday I looked at the flyer, still on our bulletin board along with star ornaments stolen from last year's ward Christmas party and notes demanding payment for utilities long past-due. All the information was in place, including the date, location, and theme.

The theme? Wedding Night. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's just about the point of a bachelorette party. It seemed like announcing that the them of the wedding was marriage, or that the funeral's motif would be death.

In 60 Years

2007-08-06T09:58:00.001-07:00

My grandparents met when my grandpa's brother was dating my grandma's roommate. The other couple broke up, but my grandparents started dating. He was from Idaho and she was from Wisconsin, but they met in the Golden State - California.

I don't know how long it took, but they decided to tie the knot, jump over the broom, get married. The two of them drove from Cali to Reno, and looked up an LDS bishop. He met them at the local church, but they didn't have two witnesses so they snagged a couple men playing tennis at a nearby court. The bishop told them they weren't doing it the "right way" and to get that done ASAP.

Five to six years later, my grandma had been baptized and they were sealed in the Idaho Falls temple. They looked up the Reno bishop, but he died a year earlier.

My grandpa is a bit senile now. He can barely play games with the family. He listens to my grandma's commands to "close your eyes and go to sleep," or her gentle suggestions that he "sit down because you've been standing for so long on your bad hip." In turn, when we played Imaginiff she thought he'd be a koala bear because he's "so cute and cuddly."

In my immediate future, I'd hope for adventures, passion, sarcasm, and excitement. The thrill of doing something new with someone new, someone I'm just getting to know. But in 60 years I'd like to be where they are. Comfortable, loving, and with a bit of the adventure, passion, sarcasm and excitement we had in our youth.

Of Lorne and Summer

2007-07-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

The other night I met a 36-year-old man named Lorne. He works at Meadow Gold, doing custodial work and making $15/hour. That's up $4 from what he was making when he started working there earlier this year. But here I am telling Lorne's story when I should be telling mine.

Lorne thought I looked 18. Perhaps his view is skewed, given his A/S/L. Then I thought about how much different I actually am from 18. Maybe more serious, more confident, less naive, an Allyson with a credit card and taste for Anthropologie.

But I still like coloring. And drawing stick figures. And for my 21st birthday I asked for a bike. A beautiful, red, shiny bike with a white basket. No streamers or baseball cards to turn my bike into a motorcycle - yet.

All in all, it's possible that I'm just as close to being 11 as I am to being 21. Mostly I'm okay with that, because I'm enjoying my summer. It's worth making a little less money to go swimming with your friends on pioneer day, or staying up late when you know that (if you were a real grown up) you'd go to bed early. There's a secret thrill in doing exactly what you know is not the responsible thing.

And with that I will make my public, internet confession: some nights I don't brush my teeth before I go to bed. In a very sick, dentist disapproved sort of way, I enjoy knowing I'm doing something that isn't good for me. I'm sorry to anyone who might be disappointed.

The Difference Between My Mother and I

2007-06-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

One time my mother and I were at a store, and we saw a shirt.

Me: I don't know if I like this shirt. The colors are too...

Mom: Bright?

Me: I was going to say dull.

Utah

2007-06-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

I think that oft-times, our lovely state gets a reputation for having "nothing to do."

I disagree, and I'm coming up with a list of things to do here. Not typical BYU things like, "going on a date to devotional," or "going on a date to the Cannon Center," or "going on a date" to really anywhere on campus.

This is a call to my blogspot.com friends, especially those from the Provo area, to suggest interesting things to do around here.

Especially now in the summer, outdoor things are fantastic.

Blame it on the weekends

2007-05-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

40 hours a week is a long time to do something. Anything, really. Except maybe sleep, which is the exception to a lot of rules.

My question is this: is it easier to work a backbreaking job or an office job for 8 hours a day?

My answer: a backbreaking job. At least when you come home, you feel like you've earned a break. And people give you sympathy. If you're working an office job, what have you honestly been doing all day to make you so tired?

Dreams and bruises

2007-05-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

I have nightmares. Wake-up-sweating-screaming-scary-crying-zombie-spider-evil-clone nightmares. I generally need another person to calm me down. This isn't always through words, sometimes it's merely the idea that someone is more real than whatever I was just experiencing.

Example
I had one last night. I was at home in bed, and I just woke up from a relaxing sleep. Something tickled my feet, and I looked down to find several little insects crawling around. This was gross, but I managed to simply brush them off. Until I noticed many more taking their places and then realized that they weren't insects, they were teeny-tiny spiders. Almost cute if they weren't so revolting. I jumped out of the bed and had to know where the source of spiders was coming from. So I threw off the blanket and saw it - a pulsating mass of legs and pure evil. In the center was the momma spider, and all her little minions.

I woke up to my convulsing body, instinctively drawing my feet up to my chest to protect myself from the spiders at the foot of my bed. I have no roommates, so I've been finding other people to spend the night. Knowing my friend was in the other room was somehow very comforting, although I did sleep curled into a ball for the rest of the night.

So maybe having someone in the house helps me re-establish my sense of "reality". But here's the weird thing: today at work in my boss' office, a large spider crawled out from underneath the chair. And was believed to be pregnant.

Acting under orders from above...

2007-04-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

My friend Colin suggested that I refer to my skin tone as "alabaster" or "ivory" rather than "pale," "sickly," or just "white." I think he has a valid point. Alabaster sounds like I was birthed from some huge clamshell like Venus, and ivory imparts some sort of exotic colorlessness.

As wonderful as it sounds to be either of those, I sometimes wish I could leave my "Ragin' Caucasian" heritage behind and fit in with the typical American ideal of tan. About once a year I think to myself, "Surely if I got outside for a little bit each day I can build up some sort of color." Of course, each year this proves completely erroneous. And it generally proves completely erroneous in a red, blistering fashion. And then I remember my Scottish heritage and politely decline any attempts at "sunbathing" or the like.

Despite this, I've found a recent benefit of my exact pigmentation. I am invincible. Or at least that's what my enemies would think. Because I just happened to notice today that Band-Aids match my skin perfectly. And all of the sudden, everything made sense. I was like Bruce Willis in "Unbreakable"...or at least my arch nemisis would believe I was.

Imagine the possibilities...We meet on the Utah Salt Flats, and the heat from radiating off the ground gives a Funhouse look to my opponent. We size each other up silently, and then the battle ensues just as quietly. The only sound is the clang of metal on metal; we need no trash talk or witty remarks. The fight rages on for hours, and as my strength wanes my enemy slashes me with his sabre, and I fall to the ground "dead." As he gloats over his "victory," I sneak one of the large Band-Aids over my gaping wound and spring back into the fight. The sheer shock and panic that rushes through his veins would force him to his knees, where I would demand an apology for such shoddy treatment.

Disconnecting from the missing link...

2007-04-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

The other day someone asked me if I always had to be the most positive person in the room. And I told her that if she wanted, I could go find some used hypodermic needles and riddle her body with them. Then we could all take an HIV test, and I'm sure she would be the most positive in the room. Ha! AIDS!

Actually, like most other things people say to me I shrugged it off and stewed about it for a while, thinking that the AIDS comment would have been classic. Kind like the one time Cate said her back hurt and I said, "Oh, maybe it's the scoliosis!" and she said, "Do you think so?" And I thought, Cate you are stupid you have to be born with it, but I just said, "You have to be born with it," and she told me she had been...then the room got awkward so I left because who wants to talk about birth defects? Not I, said the girl with 20/5 vision and a back straighter than my orthodontically manipulated teeth.

But back to my point about being positive - I like being positive, but not all the time. Nothing pisses me off like that person who just won't let you have your momentary blue funk. Example:

"I was on the way to the testing center and some Utah driver veered onto the sidewalk and ran me over. This put me in a coma for two weeks, and when I woke up I had permanent brain damage. I can't move the left side of my body, and have lost the sensitivity in the tips of my fingers. My family was plummeted into such grief by what they thought was my imminent death that they fled the country to parts unknown."

"At least your hair looks great!"

I look great all the time, that's no consolation. That's like telling Iraq, "You're being invaded by another country who is tearing up your country, your political system is unstable at best...but at least it's a dry heat."