I don't like the phrase, "That's all anyone could ask for."

"Well the bills are paid and that's all anyone can ask for." I thought to myself. And then I realized that was a horribly untrue thought. People can "ask" for anything they want.

Like my brother. When he was 11 he asked Santa for a laptop, a fax machine (?), and a cell phone. He might not have needed them but he certainly asked for them. This was, however, the point where my mother stepped in and explained that since she had none of these items he would likely not be getting them for Christmas. And when that didn't work it was time for the Santa Talk (which I believe was not well received and needed repeating the next year).

Medical professional notwithstanding, there are only so many times I can see the word: buttocks

Buttocks

BUTTOCKS






buttocks

Buttocks





buttocks

buttocks

before I laugh.

I miss gathering with friends around food. Large groups of friends around restaurants, but especially female friends. Girls understand that some days you want to eat a pan of brownies with a friend. Jon, on the other hand, could eat a pan of brownies (or package of cookies, or package of veggie burgers) by himself. He's eaten entire packages of cookies while I'm asleep and he muddles through his nights off. And he rarely wants to share treats with me when we're together.

I guess I'm a social eater and Jon only likes to eat by himself.

Am I the only person who wishes someone would say/do something really offensive that would completely justify punching that person (preferably in the face)?

I'm convinced that there is almost nothing better than sleeping in and then eating a large bowl of the most sugary cereal in the world.

I was told that some of the patients at the hospital might want to show me incisions, scars, and wounds. I was prepared for that.

I was not prepared for the daughter of a patient who pulled down her pants to show us that she had a hysterectomy.

Jon: They're the most harmless kids you'll ever met.

Me: Except for me!

Jon: You're not harmless. You hid in a pile of dirty laundry for ten minutes waiting to pants me this morning.

Dear Governmental Leaders and Senators/Representatives of South Carolina,


Please stop making us look stupid. This includes:

- affairs
- using state funds and resources for your affairs
- yelling out "you lie" during presidential addresses
- bringing livestock into legislative houses
- being Mark Sanford

Sincerely,

Allyson Elizabeth Hamacher Hubner (who is not technically a resident of the state but embarrassed nonetheless)

I found myself in a rather boring meeting early this morning and thought to myself: breathing is really hard. I was so bored I almost thought about ceasing respiration and dying just to liven things up. Too bad I wouldn't be around to enjoy it.

There are fruit flies are copulating like fruit flies. In my kitchen. I am going to vomit all over them.